just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
