Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
