I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
