I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
