my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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