i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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