his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
