I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
