Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
