How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Holy shit dude........stairs
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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