god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
