I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
