today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
