we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
