Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
