i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
