I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
God, I missed his penis.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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