girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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