I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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