its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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