no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
