also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
