I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
