I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
