Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
