I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
