theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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