Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize