none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
