he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
