9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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