He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
