I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
