She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
