dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
