So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
