If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
