im having a threesome with these popsicles
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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