you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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