walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
