Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
