That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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