i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
