if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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