I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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