I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
