Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I want you more than these girls want KFC
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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