a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
