Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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