Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
