Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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